I want to implore you to rid your vocabulary of this word when it comes to describing a child. Change your definition; change the mental image for yourself of what “whining” means. 

Your child is having a hard time expressing themselves, whining throws a negative cast, and may cause you to diminish your child’s emotions/feelings. Despite their tone of voice, your child is still seeking connection from you.

Advice from Janet Lansbury : (and my interpretation)

Janet Lansbury is the first author I discovered on my respectful/mindful parenting journey. She has a written two books, “Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting” and “No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame”, paired with her podcast “Unruffled”, and website https://www.janetlansbury.com/ filled with wonderful articles and ideas.  

One such hot topic article I stumbled across:

Why The Whining? (And 5 Steps To Eventual Peace) – Janet Lansbury

“…just about every child goes through a whining phase (or two) at some point, and it’s not indicative of a fatal flaw in our child or our parenting.” Here’s how Janet suggests helping toddlers get what they need in a manner that’s easier on the ears and nerves…

Mama gator: You will notice I offer different adjectives for the word “whining” as a way to shine a new perspective on what your child may be trying to communicate with you.

1.Don’t Let it Rattle You

 “Take a deep breath and remind yourself that your child’s behavior is perfectly normal, but that you don’t want to encourage it. If we grant our child’s request to appease the whining, or react negatively, we might do just that.”

Mama Gator: As always remember your child is having a hard time, not giving you a hard time. While a voice change is a signal your child needs your attention, don’t let the tone throw you off of the message they are trying to send.

2. Gentle Guidance

“Calmly and nonjudgmentally say something like “It sounds like you’re uncomfortable, but it’s hard for me to understand you… ,or you might ask the child some questions about what he wants while reminding him(her) to please answer”  in a way you can understand.

Mama Gator: Janet suggests asking your child to use a “normal voice.”   I am always amazed at what toddlers/kindergartners can comprehend, but I worry suggesting using a normal voice may confuse them. They may be unaware of the tone they are using and not understand what’s “wrong” with their voice.  

I personally feel asking your child to explain in a different way allows them to explore, on their own, how else to communicate with you. “Sweet Pea I hear you are upset, but I am having a hard time understanding what you are trying to tell me. Can we take a deep breath and try again?” This allows them a moment to reset.  When your child (and/or you) are more at ease, it will be easier to begin lessons on the tone of voice when communicating.

3. Rest, Food, Drink, Comfort

“Whiners [Upset children] aren’t functioning at their best, often as the result of not enough of these things [rest, food, drink, comfort]. Remember, your toddlers (children) are growing rapidly, tire easily, and have low blood sugar attacks before they realize they’re hungry. “

Mama Gator:  Ok first let’s admit to ourselves we all know adults with these same issues! I know for a fact lack of sleep affects my ability to process mentally and emotionally.  I can only imagine a toddler/young child processing the same way. Golden rule: Your child is having a hard time…because they are hungry, tired, thirsty, or needing an emotional connection with you.

4.. Whiners [Distressed Children] might be on the verge of an emotional explosion

“Whining [An exaggerated or intense tone of voice] can be a sign that strong feelings of frustration, disappointment, sadness, and anger need to be expressed. If these feelings appear, welcome them, allow the feelings to run their course completely (in that moment and as a general rule) and the whining [episode] will likely cease.”

Mama Gator:  Asking your child to communicate in a different way helps open the door to other emotions.  My oldest daughter’s tone of voice often alerts me something is wrong, “I can see you are upset, but I am having a hard time understanding you. I want to understand what you are trying to tell me.” offering her this validation has led her to break down into tears.

After the tears and hugs(connection), she is able to communicate, in a better way, why she was frustrated, or sad, or angry. By opening the door to communication, your child is likely to walk through with you, hand in hand.  

5. Give undivided, positive attention

“Even newborn babies know whether or not they have our full attention, and a day’s worth of half-attention doesn’t fulfill our child’s needs. As Magda Gerber writes in Your Self-Confident Baby, our children need to periodically receive the message “You are important. You are number one right now.”

Magda encouraged parents to take advantage of feeding, bathing, diapering and dressing as natural opportunities for one-on-one attention. She also recommended periods of “wants nothing” quality time, time when we allow our child to be the initiator of activities while we observe, support, respond and participate as the child requests.”

Mama Gator:  While we cannot give our children our full attention all the time (we will explore this more, I promise), but they do deserve to have our full attention when we can offer it.  Be present with your child when you can, don’t rush through every interaction.

A silly (and maybe gross) example is how diapering/toilet care is a good time to slow down to focus just on your child. With newborns, you take time to talk them through the diaper change process, engage with them. My oldest is very capable of wiping her rear end when I am not around. I flat out asked her why she doesn’t like to wipe herself at home (or when I am around)  “I like you to do it Mom… and you change Skylar’s diapers). 

I hear her saying, I still want this quiet time with you mom.  It’s the little moments where confidence and esteem are built. Knowing I am there for her, and she gets my undivided attention for those few moments mean something to her.

Trigger Word

For this Mama Gator, whining has become a trigger word. I worry using words like whining places a limited perspective on what a child is trying to convey. All of us have moments of questionable tone when expressing ourselves, let’s use these opportunities to teach our children(all ages) how to express themselves, in a way everyone can understand.

Thank You

I want to thank Janet Lansbury for changing the course of my parental journey, I hope to continue to share her wisdom with you, along with other experts in the field. ( and how I have melded them/interpreted them on my own journey)

*Click here for Janet Lansbury’s full article on Why the whining? For the Blog, I did condense parts of the article for length and discussion purposes. Direct quotes from the article are in quotes and my interpretations are in purple.