My journey into mindful+ respectful+ supportive + whole-brain parenting approach created a side effect. A need for growing thick, gator-like skin…the feeling I needed to defend/explain my new found parental journey. The people who often doubt you are the ones you were hoping to rely on, Parents, Spouse, Family, and Friends.
“Non-Traditional”
I was not prepared for the pushback I would receive for parenting my children in such a “non-traditional” way. Choosing a style with no spanking or timeouts, paired with overall understanding children are in fact, humans with emotions and (…wait for it…) opinions baffles “traditionalists”.
My journey started with convincing my own spouse. The tense conversations and the flat-out battles we had hashing out how to take this path together, were painful. As I fought my battle at home, I found myself having to defend and/or deflect comments from other family members. Parenting is hard no matter how you choose to do it. Feeling like you are raising your children without the help of a supportive village, can cause a great strain.
Emotion is Not a Bad Word
One of the hardest things I find to communicate with non “mama gators” is allowing children to have their emotions. Allowing them to feel the emotions and get their emotions out. As the child calms, then using that time to work on ways to connect and communicate the feeling. I will take a guess the majority of us are from the generation of “Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about.” Even as a child this always baffled me, for me this threat would often make me cry harder! Why are adults so often triggered by a crying/upset child? Why is it so hard for adults to imagine children have big emotions too?
Apple or Pumpkin Pie?
As an adult, if you are handed pumpkin pie when you asked for apple pie what do you do? Hard to admit many of us learned to just eat it, even if we found it revolting. Maybe you were lucky and taught to politely ask for a switch, “oh, I’m sorry I asked for apple pie”. This a trained behavior. In the context of children when they receive the food they do not like or did not ask for, their emotions overcome them. Small children can not regulate their emotional responses. What ensues is what we often dub as a tantrum. A young child needs to be taught to recognize the feeling of frustration, how to address it, as well as how to express it. We are in the midst of training our children to become competent adults.
Invalidating their feelings as children will only result in adults who still have tantrums. We communicate with them, ” I see you are upset you have pumpkin pie. Did you want apple pie?” I often ask my oldest how we plan for this in the future, we will discuss a plan together. More than likely the plan will be for her to ask. Validate the feelings, but allow them to communicate their wants. “It is frustrating to not get what you asked for, next time let’s try “Please may I have an apple pie instead?” or ” Excuse me, I asked for Apple pie please.” Give them the tools they need to communicate their feelings.
My child is Not Winning or Losing
“Oh, I see he/she won eh?” I so often hear this phrase while I am comforting one of my children through a big emotion. What exactly is my child winning? Or what am I losing? Comforting her/him through a big emotion is supporting my child, being there to connect is an important lesson. Forcing my child to “suck it up” seems more like losing to me, I was unaware we were in a war with our children. Creating a divide between winning/losing creates animosity and disconnection, causing the parent/child relationship to suffer. Again who is winning?
Thick Skin, Soft Underbelly
Growing thick gator skin allows you to focus on your parenting journey with your children, withstanding the barrage of unwanted opinions thrown your way. Save your soft underbelly for connection and cuddles. Finding a community where you can discuss your question and concern in the space of respectful parenting, allows us all to survive this swamp together. Believe in your path.